Eden asked ‘who are you’…
Through my blog, you probably know that I absolutely love being a mama. I love crafts and holidays and especially love Christmastime. I love making memories. I love my family. I love baking.
You probably know that I study at uni, that I love photography. You will also know that I like having a clean and organised house, and I suffer and can’t focus when the house gets messy or cluttered. I like schedules and printables and cooking from scratch.
All of that is true. Most of that I have shared on my ‘about me’ page as it is all very much part of who I am.
But… who am I, deep down? 
Deep down, I am shy. I am unsure of myself. I lack confidence and self esteem. Severely.

I am worried that if I let people in too close, let them know too much about me – they will decide they don’t like me. Or they will think I am weird or ‘messed up’. I have been burned so many times before, I have lost so many people that I thought were friends. People I let in, bared my heart and soul to over time, and then lost them for one reason or another. I’m scarred by it.

And so I can be distant, I can be reclusive and I take a long time to open up.
I have made some new and very beautiful friends in the past couple of years {this means a lot me, as I only have one close friend from high school near as we all moved to different countries and cities once we graduated}. I will always be grateful that these new friends allowed me to take my time to open up and let them in. I am thankful to have found people that I can be myself with. That I feel I can trust and call a friend. I would like to think I am a good friend, I am also fiercely loyal.
I simply cannot handle lying. I have been lied to too many times in my life. It’s devastating and heartbreaking and soul destroying and I simply cannot deal with it. I try to give second chances, everyone deserves that, right? But it takes a lot for me to “re-trust” someone. I expect honesty, and people can expect honesty from me.

I grieve that I will not have the kind of mother I wish I could have. And that my children will never have the kind of grandmother I wish they could have. I am grateful and thankful I have learnt so much from my mother, but I sometimes wish I could have that kind of mother – daughter relationship where you can go to your mum and ask for advice, or for her to help you with something, or to just simply talk. I don’t blame her. I am sure she grieves for the life she thought she would have. MS is cruel and she has suffered a lot. 
I spent everyday worrying that I would come home from school and find my mother dead. She was very ill {on top of MS she also has systemic lupus and has had cancer twice} when I was little and my brothers and I spent our days with the constant thought / fear that this could be her last. I never went on any of our school camps because I was worried something would happen to her and I wouldn’t be there. Be there for what reason? I don’t know. I just felt that I needed to be near her always and the furthest I would go was school and friends houses now and then. Moving away from her for uni was excruciatingly difficult, even though I was needing my own head space and independence. Now, that fear has moved to being away from my children. I have never been away from them {except Noah for 2 nights when I was in hospital with Chloe} because I am too scared to be away from them. What if something happens to them and I am not there? I used to think that was a normal way to feel, but I’ve learnt that although to an extent it is, the severity of my anxiety about it isn’t and it’s something I am working on.
I have pretty lame taste in music.

I used to have an eating disorder and was a very unhealthy 48kg at 18 years old after 8 months of bulimia… and still thought I was fat. Now, I have about 10-12kg I would like to lose and it is a struggle to not return to the awful habit of throwing up everything I eat. I think about my kiddos and needing to be healthy for them and that stops me but it isn’t easy. My weight and self worth are linked very closely and so this affects my self esteem big time.
I am thankful that even though they are far away, I have the best extended family anyone could ever ask for even despite the challenges and hard times we’ve gone through. Family is everything and I am so grateful for all of them, my husbands side and my side.
My husband is amazing, and I fall more in love with him everyday. My children are a daily reminder that I am doing what I feel I was meant to do. I am blessed beyond belief. Being their mother is the greatest and most important thing I have ever done.

I have a big heart. I cry a lot.
I am pretty happy.
I am lucky and I know it.

I want my children to jump in with both feet and immerse themselves in another culture. I want them to learn empathy and compassion by seeing the world in a different light. I want them to learn tolerance and acceptance. I want them to learn this while living in another country, even if just for a few months.
I process everything. I over think everything. I drive my hubby nuts with all my planning and what-ifs.

I have a fantastic memory. Almost photographic – except of course when it comes to useful stuff like what a product life cycle graph looks like in marketing… pretty sure I failed that part of my exam last week.

I can blab on forever {obviously, as this is a pretty long post!}.

I am a work in progress. I am growing and learning and changing and it’s amazing that we can do that. We’re not set in stone, and I am grateful that I can work on the person that I am.

I am worried about posting this.
This is me letting you in, and I don’t have a great track record with letting people in and them sticking around.
 But as I grow and change, I also learn to take risks now and then. I never used to, and always played it safe.


oh, and I’m late to join the linky party at Eden’s. That is also typical of me – I leave things to the last minute if they’re uncomfortable and I am usually always running late.

who are you ? deep down?

x

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